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An Open Letter to Nocturnal Animals

August 12, 2015

August 11, 2015


Dear Nocturnal Animals,


I am not nocturnal and do not want to to be friends with you. Ever. Or your family.
Or friends. Your persuasive ways are falling on deaf ears and I need you to stop harassing me. Immediately. As much as I appreciate your earnestness in developing a relationship, I need to be forthright and let you know, it will never work out. I am decidedly sickened, scared, and disgusted by your presence, so even being in proximity of you makes me vomit in my mouth a little.


One of your little winged rats paid me a visit at my parents house. In the living room at 10:30 p.m. on a Sunday night. I was on the phone and in the corner of my eye, I see a black bat making a beeline for my head. My controlled shrieking and cursing did nothing to stop his goal of using my head as a target for his vile fluttering. Running up the stairs and careening down the hallway, I met him again and continued my screeching until I barricaded myself in a bedroom. Your flying mammal met his demise with a broom and dustpan in none other the room I was sleeping in. Lucky me.

Sleeping with one eye open was truly enjoyable.



See? I am not ‘friend’ material.


However, Ricky, the masked marauder was hell bent on saying hi and made it his mission to do so. I was on my way out the door for an early morning run and heard the squawks, loud chatter and high-pitched shrieking by our garbage cans. Either Ricky was having a roll in the hay, getting ready to rumble, or feasting at the buffet left before him. I ran off, too chicken to investigate. Forty-five minutes later, I came back to carnage strewn about the trash cans. I kicked the cans before depositing the left-over wrappers, not wanting to come into contact with the bandits. I didn’t hear anything, so I opened the garbage can lid and was eye to eye with a baby raccoon, beseeching me to help him out. 

Hell, no.


Neighbors on either side of me heard me scream as I sprinted inside.


Pest control came and removed Ricky for a pretty penny while my kids watched the scene unfold.


Son: "Oooh, he’s so cute!"
Daughter: "He looks nice, can we keep him?"


H to the E to the...


Nocturnal animals, that’s the last straw. Don’t woo my children into believing you are cute and cuddly. They will stab you in the back as soon as they see a bunny. Fickle, I tell you.


Please stay away and try to make some friends that have similar interests. I don’t eat bugs or trash and I prefer sleeping at night, not during the day.





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