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'My Toes are Mad at You'...and other reasons my children are up in the middle of the night

I thought 'baby sleep' was the worst. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. If they came with a timer, it would be incredibly helpful. One would know they had 10 minutes to shower, 5 minutes to throw a load of laundry in, 2 minutes to scarf down a sandwich.

However, I have come to the conclusion that 'kid sleep' is worse. Or whatever the heck they call sleep. They are out of their beds relentlessly. And not the fifteen minutes right after being put to bed. They actually go right to sleep then. It is other times during the night, they are more partial to. The insanity even has a pattern. They are up at 11pm, 3am, 4:30 am, and then 6 and 6:30am. I am pretty sure Carly is up sometimes more than that, as I hear her lumbering around like an elephant, floor boards creeking in agony below her purposeful 40lb strides. I used to worry about what she was doing, now I don't care as long she is not bugging me.

When she does, it is like a horror movie. Instinctively I roll over, feeling a presence looming over me. She silently stands there with her head inches from my face, whispering inane requests, while I struggle to find my brain and open my eyes. There have been a few times where I screamed and accidentally swatted her while I flailed my arms in defense. I obviously felt horrible, but she didn't visit me during the middle of night for a week after that.

The kids wanted to share a bedroom and we acquiesced, even acquiring bunk beds . They are downstairs while we sleep upstairs. Two bedrooms down, two bedrooms up. Despite different sleeping arrangements, the constant waking has stayed the same. If there is a night where I sleep for 7 hours straight,the stars must be aligned.

My son's reasons for getting out of bed are usually innocuous and appropriate. Bathroom. Drink of water. Sick. Growing pains. When he does, we know it is legit and lovingly assist. My daughter is insane in the membrane. She has clear, crisp and logical conversations going at 3am. Her flair for the dramatic are especially spot-on. There is no, 'sleepy sauntering.' She speaks and acts like she has orders from the Secretary of Defense to deploy a bomb in 0200 hours. When I am the recipient of one of these monologues, I lose it. I yell. She blinks. I yell something horrible. She blinks. Then continues on about the bomb.

Some of the reasons why my kids are up in the middle of the night:

  • My dreamcatcher is broken.

  • The Ace Bandage came off

  • I'm cold

  • A bandaid is needed on every nook and cranny of their little bodies

  • I have to pee

  • I have to poop

  • I have to poop real bad

  • I have to poop really, really, bad

  • My socks are off

  • My socks are on

  • My hair hurts

  • My butt hurts

  • Do you know where my dance shoes are? Where is my dance bag is? I need them right now.

  • I am the star tomorrow, we need muffins and squirrels. Lots of them.

  • I need a drink

  • Not that water, bathroom water

  • The fan is bothering me

  • My diaper doo is missing

  • My bear is missing

  • Not that bear, my other bear

  • I smell something

  • My nose is dry

  • I need Aquaphor, all over me

  • My ear itches

  • I know Zyrtec will help

  • The dark is making me laugh

  • My swimsuit will make me feel better

I am an educator by trade...

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