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M is for Mother

May 12, 2017

Happy Mother's Day! Here are 26 ways from A to Z, that being a mom is the hardest, but most rewarding job there is. Word to your mother--

 

A is for Assault of Bodily Fluids

Poop, pee, and puke. Snot & saliva. Alliteration anyone? If you aren't cleaning it, you're wearing it. Or your kids talk about it. Constantly. 

 

B is for Breasts or Bottles

Don't get your panties in a bunch Bertha--it doesn't matter how the kid eats, as long as he/she is getting nourishment and is healthy. 

 

C is for Crazy Train Baby Names 

Cougar, Cennamin, Doctor, Danger, Mhavryck, Audi, Abcde, Braxxleigh, Sketcch, and Kutter. You're killing me smalls! The only person named Kutter that gets a pass is Cutter Dykstra. He was named after a specific baseball pitch, which makes sense as his dad was Lenny Dykstra, a MLB center fielder. 

           *Notice, they spelled it correctly and didn't make it 'cute' with a K.* 

 

D is for  Diapers

Out the yin yang. Cloth or disposable, pick your poison. 

 

E is for Everyone Leave me the Hell Alone

I'm in the bathroom, so let me pee in peace. And, no, I don't know where your shoes are. 

 

F is for Flopsy & Mopsy

Not the cottontail version, but your breasts after breastfeeding. Perky and enthusiastic no more, these two girls are decidedly down for the count. 

 

 

G is for Granny Panties

Ginormous but gallant, these beauties stand the test of time and you wear them all.the.time. 

 

H is for Hemorrhoids

Weren't expecting those lil' turds to be your trophy after giving birth? Pssht. 

 

I is for IDK

'I don't know' is muttered a lot when you are a mom. Why is the baby crying? Why did he stick that up his nose?  Why did she pour glitter in her cereal? IDK. 

 

J is for Jenky Baby Products

Won't snap. Zipper broke. Cap came loose. Had a cute little lamb on it, so you instantly needed it. Imploded on arrival.

 

K is for Know it All Family & Friends

Everyone has a PhD in parenting and will pontificate at length when given the chance. You need to drown that voice out and remember their son ate dirt too. 

 

L is for Leashes

To leash or not to leash, that is the question. Ashamed if you do, but remorseful if you don't. 

 

M is for Milestones

Important and fun for mom and immediate family. No one else cares when Junior rolled over. 

 

N is for No

It's kind of embarrassing how much the word just rolls off the tongue. It feels so good. 

 

O is for Overshare

TMI at the grocery store, wedding reception, and Facebook. Thank heavens Twitter has a character limit, because if you hear the rash story one more time...

 

P is for Play dates, Potty Training, or Pokemon Go

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

 

 

Q is for Quirky

Hair dryer soothes the baby to sleep. They uncontrollably laugh when you sneeze. Staunchly refuse to wear socks that have seams. A little bit of weird is totally normal. 

 

R is for Repetition

Kids' television and music has a knack for becoming an earworm ready to destroy your last few brain cells with a catchy beat & refrain. Kids' television and music has a knack for becoming an earworm ready to destroy your last few brain cells with a catchy beat & refrain. 

 

S is for Sleep

Hahahahahaha! You jokester, you. 

 

T is for Target 

Go late at night, by yourself, and get excited for the $10.98 pineapple shirt. Pull-ups can wait. 

 

U is for Unilateral decision

The baby just made another unilateral decision for your entire family in under a minute. Who knew an 11 lb. 8 oz. mammal could wield so much power?

 

V is for Vaseline, a Vaporizer, & Varicose Veins

Items that burrowed their way into your home and are sadly never leaving.

 

W is for Wipes

Wiping butts or cleaning the floor, your armpits, or the toilet. The living room floors never looked so good. 

 

 

X is for Multiply

Multiply the number of times you said, 'I won't do that' pre-kids by 5. When Timmy says the word, 'Shit,' in the correct context, a little bit of you leaps with joy. 

 

Z is Always for Zebra

The stalwart anchor, Z clinches the alphabet, signaling bedtime for the kids and adult time for you. Thank God Z is always for Zebra. 

 

 

 

 

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