M is for Mother
Happy Mother's Day! Here are 26 ways from A to Z, that being a mom is the hardest, but most rewarding job there is. Word to your mother--
A is for Assault of Bodily Fluids
Poop, pee, and puke. Snot & saliva. Alliteration anyone? If you aren't cleaning it, you're wearing it. Or your kids talk about it. Constantly.
B is for Breasts or Bottles
Don't get your panties in a bunch Bertha--it doesn't matter how the kid eats, as long as he/she is getting nourishment and is healthy.
C is for Crazy Train Baby Names
Cougar, Cennamin, Doctor, Danger, Mhavryck, Audi, Abcde, Braxxleigh, Sketcch, and Kutter. You're killing me smalls! The only person named Kutter that gets a pass is Cutter Dykstra. He was named after a specific baseball pitch, which makes sense as his dad was Lenny Dykstra, a MLB center fielder.
*Notice, they spelled it correctly and didn't make it 'cute' with a K.*
D is for Diapers
Out the yin yang. Cloth or disposable, pick your poison.
E is for Everyone Leave me the Hell Alone
I'm in the bathroom, so let me pee in peace. And, no, I don't know where your shoes are.
F is for Flopsy & Mopsy
Not the cottontail version, but your breasts after breastfeeding. Perky and enthusiastic no more, these two girls are decidedly down for the count.
G is for Granny Panties
Ginormous but gallant, these beauties stand the test of time and you wear them all.the.time.
H is for Hemorrhoids
Weren't expecting those lil' turds to be your trophy after giving birth? Pssht.
I is for IDK
'I don't know' is muttered a lot when you are a mom. Why is the baby crying? Why did he stick that up his nose? Why did she pour glitter in her cereal? IDK.
J is for Jenky Baby Products
Won't snap. Zipper broke. Cap came loose. Had a cute little lamb on it, so you instantly needed it. Imploded on arrival.
K is for Know it All Family & Friends
Everyone has a PhD in parenting and will pontificate at length when given the chance. You need to drown that voice out and remember their son ate dirt too.
L is for Leashes
To leash or not to leash, that is the question. Ashamed if you do, but remorseful if you don't.
M is for Milestones
Important and fun for mom and immediate family. No one else cares when Junior rolled over.
N is for No
It's kind of embarrassing how much the word just rolls off the tongue. It feels so good.
O is for Overshare
TMI at the grocery store, wedding reception, and Facebook. Thank heavens Twitter has a character limit, because if you hear the rash story one more time...
P is for Play dates, Potty Training, or Pokemon Go
Q is for Quirky
Hair dryer soothes the baby to sleep. They uncontrollably laugh when you sneeze. Staunchly refuse to wear socks that have seams. A little bit of weird is totally normal.
R is for Repetition
Kids' television and music has a knack for becoming an earworm ready to destroy your last few brain cells with a catchy beat & refrain. Kids' television and music has a knack for becoming an earworm ready to destroy your last few brain cells with a catchy beat & refrain.
S is for Sleep
Hahahahahaha! You jokester, you.
T is for Target
Go late at night, by yourself, and get excited for the $10.98 pineapple shirt. Pull-ups can wait.
U is for Unilateral decision
The baby just made another unilateral decision for your entire family in under a minute. Who knew an 11 lb. 8 oz. mammal could wield so much power?
V is for Vaseline, a Vaporizer, & Varicose Veins
Items that burrowed their way into your home and are sadly never leaving.
W is for Wipes
Wiping butts or cleaning the floor, your armpits, or the toilet. The living room floors never looked so good.
X is for Multiply
Multiply the number of times you said, 'I won't do that' pre-kids by 5. When Timmy says the word, 'Shit,' in the correct context, a little bit of you leaps with joy.
Z is Always for Zebra
The stalwart anchor, Z clinches the alphabet, signaling bedtime for the kids and adult time for you. Thank God Z is always for Zebra.