Americans spend more than 1 billion dollars on Father’s Day every year. While I know it comes from a place of love, we probably wouldn’t have to spend a dime. When dad says he doesn’t want ‘anything,’ he really means it. Most fathers I know want things that are non-material in nature. A nap. Time to go play golf. No nagging for an entire day about the garage. They say what they mean and they mean what they say.
Dads’ candor is appreciated as we lay his marker filled 5 x 7 catastrophe on his chest as he saws logs on the living room couch. However, there are plenty of times Dad does not say what he means and means what he says. I mean, plenty.
Twenty-five Dad Translations
He says: Hey hon, I cleaned the kitchen!
He means: I rinsed the dishes.
He says: I went grocery shopping.
He means: I got Ding-dongs, Cheetos, and a fifth bottle of ketchup. I didn’t see any in the fridge.
He says: All the dirty laundry is in the hamper.
He says: Babe, we need to do some laundry around here, it’s piling up!
He means: My favorite shirt hasn’t been washed and I need it in a hour...
He says: Do you want to order out? I’m up for anything.
He means: God, let it be Chinese. I really want Chinese. If it’s pizza, I’m ordering Chinese as soon as the kids go to bed.
He says: Clean up this room! I can’t even see the floor! No, now. Right now.
He means: Your mom is going to be home in ten minutes and I am toast if she walks into this hot mess.
He says: Good game Tommy! Way to swing that bat It was so much fun watching you play!
He means: Jesus H. Christ, he has zero hand-eye coordination. He literally swung twice before the ball even left the pitcher’s glove. Swimming? Track & Field? Wrestling. Yes, definitely wrestling.
He says: A puppy! How adorable! I love his spots too. Yes, puppy kisses are the best! Of course we can keep him.
He means: No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!! We didn’t ask your mom! We didn’t ask your mom. I’m dead.
He says: I know you are nervous and worried about the play. That’s perfectly normal. Just take some deep breaths and we’ll practice your lines together.
He means: He’s in a play? Tomorrow night?
He says: I have so much work to do. I’m going to go downstairs and make some phone calls.
He means: I’m going to watch SportsCenter with the TV on mute.
He says: Be right back--I’m gonna take the Browns to the Super Bowl.
He means: I’m going to be in the bathroom for an hour minimum, until I need to get up because my legs went numb from sitting for so long.
He says: Way to go Sierra! I got the whole thing on video. Your backflip was spot on.
He means: Crap! I was almost to level 20 on Super Mario Run.
He says: Yeah, I’ll take the kids to the park.
He means: Beer Garden here we come!
He says: Of course, I’ll refinish the table. Tomorrow? Done.
He means: If I do this, she’ll definitely let me go to the lake next weekend.
He says: Kids, tomorrow is your mom’s birthday, what should we get her?
He means: Son of a bitch! Ideas, I need ideas!
He says: I think we are due for a Costco run. I can probably go Saturday.
He means: Freeee samples! Wine and bourbon are also on sale. I need a new lawn mower.
He says: Yes, I talked to my parents. They aren’t going to be here until tonight--lots of traffic.
He means: They’ll be here in 20 minutes.
He says: Hon, did you have a nice weekend away? I’m sure you did. I bet it was relaxing.
He means: I’m going to get yelled at in 3, 2, 1….
He says: Yep, I got my to-do list. I will have it done before the party.
He means: I will start this approximately one hour before company comes over for Sierra’s birthday party. I will dismantle random things, make a disaster of the yard, and forget to get ice.
He says: I don’t know where your eye cream is. Or your night cream. I haven’t seen them. I would never use your hair gel.
He means: Crap, there all in my toiletry bag! I’ve got five minutes before I’m ridiculed on Facebook about this.
He says: I did change the toilet paper roll.
He says: The kids did brush their teeth..
He means: Last night.
He says: I love you guys so much.
He means: I love you even more when you are sleeping.
He says: Oh yeah, I totally know how to build a treehouse.
He means: I have no idea how to build a treehouse. I’lll YouTube the whole thing. Maybe my father-in-law can help.
He says: I’ll take the kids to see a movie.
He means: Nap time!